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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Me

I guess of late I'm slowly morphing into a Monster Mommy (as what Meia calls me when I'm angry). I don't why this is happening so much, or should I say the Devil in me is showing up every single day. Long gone are the days when u see a very patient n loving mommy explaining things nicely to her kid. These days, you see a cane welding me, yelling at the top of my voice to her soon to turn 3 year old daughter. Yes, this isn't a very good sign. I've noticed it myself. Even though I told myself to lessen the yelling n screaming, I say with deep regret that I'm unable to control myself at times.

I never expected myself to use the cane on Meia, let alone leave deep angry red marks on her little legs. Each time I mete out a stroke in anger (I'm so ashame to say this, I made no effort to control my strength at times), hearing Meia's cries n the fear in her face, my heart just breaks! But why I'm I still causing her pain? Though I know darn well how much it would hurt her n how it would bring deep regret in me.

Meia - my firstborn. It took me so long just to conceive her, it wasn't easy, so when news of my pregnancy was confirmed, I swore to myself that I'll be the most wonderful Mother.... what happened? Memories of 3 years ago floated back to me one night after putting the kids to bed. I looked at Meia's angelic sleeping face and I suddenly hated myself so much or should I say I felt so disgusted with myself. How could I inflict so much pain on my very young daughter. She's only 3 and I expect her to behave like a 10 yr old? I shouldn't be doing this to my first born. I started to put myself in her shoes... What have I become? I'm no longer a Mother, but a monster... a terrible red eye screaming yelling monster. Here is someone who adores n loves me so much (I should say unconditional love), to her I'm her Everything! BUT look at how I've treated her.... its so sad, so sad. I ask myself time n again this question I'm I a good Mother? She's afterall going through the phase of growing up... this phase will pass, she's still a kid, I mean, how can u treat your own kid this way? I'm really cruel I think.... big sigh...

Suddenly I recalled what Michael told me one day when I exploded 'What happened to the patient gal I knew? Do u remember last time the two of u did everything together?' That remarked shook me n brought tears to my eyes... even now I feel like crying when I think about those days when I did everything with Meia. The very first time I took Meia out in my sarong, I carried her everywhere... from 4 months I carried her kangaroo style, 5th month I carried her at the hips once her spine was stronger. Everyday we would go for walks or even shopping at J8. I took the bus, train, cab. Just Meia, Me the diaper bag n my faithful sarong, we travelled Singapore. I slung her all the way till the day I delivered Max. I remembered the airport trip I made with her when I was in my 8th month. Just the two of us, but we enjoyed each other's company so much. Miss those times...

I often ask myself why can't I be like before. Meia must be thinking about that too. She must be thinking mommy doesn't love her anymore... it hurts me, but I think it hurts her more. I hate myself, really... totally disgusted....

I'm praying everyday that I won't be consumed with so much anger. I really want all the shoutings to stop.

9 Comments:

Blogger Joyce said...

I understand what you are going through now. You're now preggy with #3, more or less the temper will be hard to control. The more we want to lun, the more we will explode.

Keep/throw all the canes.. so that you will not use it to hit liao lah.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Gene Ho said...

It's your hormones now, May. I also feel very gulity after scolding/smacking Lia. I am trying hard to control myself now, and I use each lashing out to teach myself a lesson. Once I've cooled down, I analyse and learn from it and find ways to deal with it amicably shld the same thing happen again in future. Cheer up!

2:10 AM  
Blogger MommytoMeia said...

Thanx gals! will try to be a better person.

9:30 AM  
Blogger about LeEcHoO said...

may, give urself a break from home/kids sometimes.
jiayou!

1:16 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

May,
I feel meia is jealous, that why she is showing her "rebel" ways to catch your full attention.
Whenever you do, try to focus her first before you turned your next attention on your boy and #3.

6:16 PM  
Blogger MommytoMeia said...

Cindy, infact most of my attention is on her while my maid helps me with my boy, but as u know, i'm sharing my maid with my MIL so i've got to take care of my boy at times. she's so naughty...

8:19 AM  
Blogger wan yee said...

take a deep breath before you open your mouth to scold meia or bring yourself to pick up the cane.

as much as you can, take a break from all these tasks.

take care.

1:09 PM  
Blogger May said...

hey, don't get too upset. i've been thru/still going thru the same phase with my girl... hope my boy will smarten up watching all the beating's the sis's been getting. maybe don't use cane lah... sounds very violent. just use your hand or something that won't leave a scar. i just used a fountain pen box today on bev... sob sob, but sometimes she will only learn this way.

1:04 AM  
Blogger MommytoMeia said...

Hey Betty, ya these days i refrain from using the cane, use more of my hands, but yesterday I really lost it man....

9:41 AM  

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