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Sunday, September 02, 2007

What have I become?

Yes, what have I morphed into? This question is constantly on my mind these days or rather after the birth of Maxus. How does my daughter see me now? Have I become a scary, horrible, tongue lashing, violent grabbing monster? Upon reflection, I shudder at my own actions. What have I become? Why do I get so easily irritated n angry with my daughter? Or is this just an excuse to vent my frustrations out on her? I really don't know, but what I do know is that I've to try n curb whatever anger in me, lest I turn into an abusive mom. It makes me sad that I'm treating my First Born this way. I look at Meia's baby pictures and feel so sorry n bad for her. What have I done besides grabbing her face tightly from my last post? Well, I'm not proud to write this, but this is where I can truly vent my frustrations, my rants, my joys, my sorrows, all the pressures etc. And I'm not trying to get any sympanthy votes either.

Well the sinner slapped her daughter rather hard on her face this afternoon for shouting n screaming while I was preparing her lunch. She was terrified (infact she has been scared of me these days), tears started streaming down her face, and I immediately stopped my ruthless act. You can say that I've just unleashed the monster in me. The patient loving mom is no longer around, but my daughter still loves me the same. This makes me even more guilty, so guilty.

My poor daughter has become the receiving end of all my pent up frustrations.... I don't even know how to end this post....

2 Comments:

Blogger jean said...

May, I can feel your anger and frustration when I read this post. Try this method when you feel that the monster within you is coming.

Walk away. Stop everything that you are doing or intend to do. Walk away to another room. Take a deep breath and pray. Prayer calms a miserable heart. Prayer takes away the monster and regain your true loving self toward your children.

I know it is tough on you for this is not what you wanted. But anger is a choice. If you can control your anger when you are in church or somewhere or someone with you and you talk normally. I am sure you can too with Meia. I will keep you in my prayer.

God bless and keep you.

11:56 PM  
Blogger MommytoMeia said...

Thanks Jean, yes I've let anger n frustration overcome me so much at times I just can't control myself. It is difficult but u are right, prayer does calm a person down, n I guess it'll be a constant reminder to me at this juncture. Thanks for remembering me in ur prayers.

1:14 PM  

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